32

On my next birthday I will turn 32. I have a thing with numbers, especially ages, they evoke images to me. 32 sounds like a great age, not too young, but even, so it will be balanced. All my 30s have been years of growth so far. I was in grad school when I turned 30. Sadly I was alone, my wife a couple time zones away. I’ve got a tendency to befriend those older than me, so no partying. It was similar to how I spent my 21st birthday, alone.

For me being alone isn’t a bad thing, at least not as long as I have the option of being around people. Given that I’ve never been imprisoned, this stipulation is theoretical, but I’m guessing it’s true.

30 was a hard year too, it was the year that began with my wife and I living separately for career reasons. She wasn’t doing well, but there was nothing I could do without jeopardizing our future (student loans without getting a better job would’ve ruined us financially), it was also the year she gave up on school. It was a year I felt she was giving up on herself.

But it was a decent year for me, I graduated, I got a job, I bought us a house. Her name is on the title, but not on the mortgage.

31 was the year when we changed our last names so that they match. It was the year she felt like she could get help for herself (which comes and goes). I hope I will remember 31 as the year she got her life back on track.

For me it’s not a big happy year, I changed jobs, but took a paycut to do so, my grandmother died and I saw my dad for the first time in 3 years, and it’s only half-over.

I hope that my wife and I will grow closer and happier together this year.

I worry because when she’s depressed she tends to be destructive, talking about moving out, about divorce. If we had serious problems, that would be one thing, but we don’t, she gets almost everything she wants (house, dog, no kids). We talk, and when she’s not depressed, we like spending time together. We play scrabble often and hang out with friends a couple times a week.  She’s doing what she told me her dream was, having an art business: she paints and had booths at a couple events. Sure the sales are weak, but these types of enterprises you have to find your niche. I do my best to support her in every way I can.

Sometimes I wish we had more of a partnership. Maybe we will some day. But for now, she’s okay, reasonably happy and that’s enough for me.

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About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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2 Responses to 32

  1. Molly says:

    I turned 32 in June, and I have to say that 31 and 32 seem to have been the most grounded years of my life as of yet. Something about this age feels more settled than any other age. It’s funny how a number can be like that. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I’m not still 25, but I really like this place in my life right now. Like you, I hope the upward trend continues.

    • DeCaf says:

      I definitely hear you about the part of it being hard to believe no longer being 25. But at least I finally feel like a “grown up.” Even though I don’t always act like it.

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