I don’t like to talk about this, but I get anxiety. Often. It’s lovely, it makes me say the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place because I get so worked up by it. Also, I get muscle cramps and other physical symptoms of being stressed, even when I’d rate my stress level as low and take time to meditate and exercise and everything I’m supposed to do.
So, I take a medication for it. This is something that should probably stop when we TTC. My anxiety just makes me a little extra neurotic. I still am able to work and run errands even when it is at its worst, so I feel that the risk will probably outweigh the benefits. Also, being a little nutty when I’m pregnant is utterly acceptable from what I’ve seen. And it’s only 9 months. I’d rather put up with withdrawal than have a baby that’s hard to comfort or one that doesn’t sleep much.
Growing up my mother would always talk glowingly about my babyhood. Apparently I was almost “the perfect” baby, I didn’t ever cry loudly. Apparently I just whimpered. This is part of why I want a bio-kid, I’ll know what I’m in for. I’ll know how to deal with it.
As a kid I was very competitive with my brother, and so I’d look for ways I was “better” than him, and early childhood I had a lot of ammo. I didn’t cry, he did – very loudly. I had only one tantrum, he had many. My only head injury was a caretaker’s mistake (I was tossed too high in the air), my brother did head dives out of the shopping cart twice, etc. I was the very wanted firstborn. He was the playmate my parents had for me. Looking back I think that saying all that was kind of horrible on their part. Disclaimer – both my parents were firstborn, my mom may have been overcompensating for her childhood where she had to help with a lot of younger siblings. Both my parents came from proper Catholic families and had six younger siblings each.
I was decent until I got older and then a lot of my damage was parent-induced. In other news, making your children terrified of you isn’t parenting. I’m not even sure what it can be considered besides a pretty stupid idea. If you kids are more likely to run from you than to you, something wrong.
Other than my random thoughts, things are going to well. Latte has a shrink appointment made and is applying for part time work. She’s going to get other medical issues under control. I’m proud of how she’s taking control of the situation. I’m looking forward to our talk next summer. I’m getting my facts in line so I can talk coherently about the subject, and make my point. Part of me feels bad wanting a biological child, but I really feel it’s the best option for us.
We had talked about adopting from foster care but I think the fact that reunification is the primary goal (at least at first) would be too hard emotionally for Latte. She gets upset when I talk to my mother, who has never been abusive, only enabling. If she connects with a kid and has custody of it, she’s not the type who’d be anything but broken if she had to turn over the child back to a parents who abuse or neglected them. It’d go against every bone in her body. Most of the younger kids who are legally free for adoption have severe damage from substance abuse in utero (all have FAS in our county anyway). Neither of us want to have to give up our careers, and those babies need extra love.
Domestic infant adoption is less problematic than international adoption, but they have a lot of abuses, and neither of us have been too fond of that idea. Demand for a healthy infant far outstrips the supply. Support for birth/first mothers is lacking. Also it’s too expensive for us to justify.
International adoption just isn’t an option for LGBT couples, many countries outright ban it. Most countries that don’t, have more parents who want to adopt than children available for adoption. It’s just a mishmash. It’d be great if we could adopt a reasonably-healthy infant from a country where they’d otherwise languish in orphanages, but because we’re gay, most countries where that’s an issue, we are legally barred from adopting. I may have missed something, but that’s what my initial research showed.
As much as I’d love us to follow the ethos of “there are already children who need homes, why make more?” I don’t think we’d be able to become parents and achieve our other dreams.