Better living through chemistry

I don’t like to talk about this, but I get anxiety. Often. It’s lovely, it makes me say the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place because I get so worked up by it. Also, I get muscle cramps and other physical symptoms of being stressed, even when I’d rate my stress level as low and take time to meditate and exercise and everything I’m supposed to do.

So, I take a medication for it. This is something that should probably stop when we TTC. My anxiety just makes me a little extra neurotic. I still am able to work and run errands even when it is at its worst, so I feel that the risk will probably outweigh the benefits. Also, being a little nutty when I’m pregnant is utterly acceptable from what I’ve seen. And it’s only 9 months. I’d rather put up with withdrawal than have a baby that’s hard to comfort or one that doesn’t sleep much. 

Growing up my mother would always talk glowingly about my babyhood. Apparently I was almost “the perfect” baby, I didn’t ever cry loudly. Apparently I just whimpered. This is part of why I want a bio-kid, I’ll know what I’m in for. I’ll know how to deal with it.

As a kid I was very competitive with my brother, and so I’d look for ways I was “better” than him, and early childhood I had a lot of ammo. I didn’t cry, he did – very loudly. I had only one tantrum, he had many. My only head injury was a caretaker’s mistake (I was tossed too high in the air), my brother did head dives out of the shopping cart twice, etc. I was the very wanted firstborn. He was the playmate my parents had for me. Looking back I think that saying all that was kind of horrible on their part. Disclaimer – both my parents were firstborn, my mom may have been overcompensating for her childhood where she had to help with a lot of younger siblings. Both my parents came from proper Catholic families and had six younger siblings each.

I was decent until I got older and then a lot of my damage was parent-induced. In other news, making your children terrified of you isn’t parenting. I’m not even sure what it can be considered besides a pretty stupid idea. If you kids are more likely to run from you than to you, something wrong.

Other than my random thoughts, things are going to well. Latte has a shrink appointment made and is applying for part time work. She’s going to get other medical issues under control. I’m proud of how she’s taking control of the situation. I’m looking forward to our talk next summer. I’m getting my facts in line so I can talk coherently about the subject, and make my point. Part of me feels bad wanting a biological child, but I really feel it’s the best option for us.

We had talked about adopting from foster care but I think the fact that reunification is the primary goal (at least at first) would be too hard emotionally for Latte. She gets upset when I talk to my mother, who has never been abusive, only enabling. If she connects with a kid and has custody of it, she’s not the type who’d be anything but broken if she had to turn over the child back to a parents who abuse or neglected them. It’d go against every bone in her body.  Most of the younger kids who are legally free for adoption have severe damage from substance abuse in utero (all have FAS in our county anyway).  Neither of us want to have to give up our careers, and those babies need extra love. 

Domestic infant adoption is less problematic than international adoption, but they have a lot of abuses, and neither of us have been too fond of that idea. Demand for a healthy infant far outstrips the supply. Support for birth/first mothers is lacking. Also it’s too expensive for us to justify. 

International adoption just isn’t an option for LGBT couples, many countries outright ban it. Most countries that don’t, have more parents who want to adopt than children available for adoption. It’s just a mishmash. It’d be great if we could adopt a reasonably-healthy infant from a country where they’d otherwise languish in orphanages, but because we’re gay, most countries where that’s an issue, we are legally barred from adopting. I may have missed something, but that’s what my initial research showed. 

As much as I’d love us to follow the ethos of “there are already children who need homes, why make more?” I don’t think we’d be able to become parents and achieve our other dreams.


About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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4 Responses to Better living through chemistry

  1. Lindsay says:

    You are so on the ball! I understand the desire to have a bio child. Definitely.

    My mom says I was the perfect baby, too. But she says that about all 3 of her children. I like to call her memory, “momnesia” – moms definitely have shitty memories a lot of the time. Now I’m not saying that you weren’t perfect. I’m sure you were. But I doubt my mother’s recollection of my own perfection! LOL

    You are going to make a great mother some day!

  2. Molly says:

    I’ve always loved the IDEA of adoption, but when it comes down to it, I really want a biological child for many of the same reasons you stated. We went to a foster/adopt seminar through our local gay & lesbian center, but the emphasis on reunification terrifies me. We foster dogs, but babies are a whole different thing.

  3. DeCaf says:

    My parents had to try for me for a while and my mom and I both almost died before I was born. After my brother was born, I was a toddler and my mom came down with postpartum depression. I think that’s most of the difference. My brother and I do have temperamental differences and neither of us are perfect at all. It seems like most people move on from how hard the birth/newborn phase is and focus on the happy parts:

  4. butchjax says:

    We’re in the middle of this too. First something to clarify for you. You can adopt directly from foster care, without any chance of reunification. Go to They have the best list of photo profiles of kids available for adoption. They adoption process is basically free (subsidized by the state). It won’t solve the issue of wanting a baby, but adopting older kids can be so gratifying as well.

    As for wanting a bio baby, you have nothing to defend. If you want it, go for it. Don’t try to excuse it, it is a biological part of us to want children. Not everyone has that need, but it’s clearly far more common than not.

    Once I got to the point of accepting that I would have a kid (assuming it works lol) I realized that yes, I do feel it will be easier to have my own than adopt a baby. I’d always feel insecure about a birth parent being out there. With older kids, they know why they aren’t with their parents anymore, which makes it a lot clearer for me. But a baby? I have too many mixed feelings at this point.

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