The Start of Something Very Good…

Latte had her first meeting with a therapist yesterday. After feeling very anxious last night over his obviously Russian name, she found out that he’s not a raging homophobe and is alright.  He has her keeping a journal. I told her about the “bad mood” journal I had kept of her moods over the summer. She was surprised at how many bad days she had, and didn’t feel weirded out by it at all.

She’s planning on going every two weeks for two months and then not going as often. I hope it’ll be enough to get her where she wants to be.

I hope she discovers that she’s not getting everything done she wants to and moves to reset her expectations and/or work harder/differently. I mostly want her to be at peace with herself. From my perspective she often sets herself up for failure. An example of this is that there’s a costume contest she wants us to compete in that’s in two days. We have no costumes even begun. She wants us to dress as Link and Zelda from Twilight Princess. And she wants us to go to a fabric store and sew the costumes herself. In two days.

Zelda from Twilight Princess

Nobody could make this from scratch in a couple days. At least not well enough to win a costume contest (her goal). I will grant that Link will be easier (and full of green), but we also have a dog who needs at least an hr of exercise a day and she wants to host a pumpkin carving event with friends before the contest. It can’t get done. It’s like when she signed up for a semester of Italian and German during the same semester– in addition to other courses. I try to be supportive but gently suggest that it might be overbooking, but she is like me and is very stubborn. (She ended up dropping Italian after a couple weeks when she began to do poorly on everything.)

That would be well and good if she didn’t feel like a failure when she has to tone down her grandiose plans. In the past I’ve tried to help out as much as I could with things I could (obviously I couldn’t take the Italian class for her), but lately I’ve decided what I need to do sometimes is back off. For several reasons:

1.) It robs her of self-confidence, it makes her victories into our victories. I have a job outside the house that I do that she has no part in. It’s a source of confidence for me. She is entitled to the same.

2.) It leads me to being tired/feeling responsible for everything. This isn’t good for our marriage as we both envision marriage as a partnership. It can also be a breeding ground for resentment if I don’t feel properly appreciated.

3.) I am not a perfect judge of anything, no human is. This may lead me to on occasion intervene when it’s not necessary. It may create an artificial and unnecessary dependence. I know that spouses are interdependent but it’s best if there’s some independence in every relationship. Co-dependence isn’t a virtue.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t help, I’m just working on my tendency to jump in and try and help before asked. It feels good to get these things sorted out in my head. I know having a kid won’t make things easier. And while I can’t be responsible for managing my wife’s life, managing a child’s life is basically what being a parent is and parents need to work well together as a team.


About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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