Latte and I had a good talk last night. For some odd reason she’s started preferring to start deeper talks at night lately. We talked about her and my reasons for wanting to have kids (mostly shared: fondness of children, belief it will be good for us and we have something to offer a child), as well as our fears about kids (I fear not bonding, Latte fears finding a good work-home balance when there’s a kid to consider). These are things are important for us to consider as we go forward. Latte also is very committed to us starting this process in the spring by attending an informational meeting.
I think that’s a good step. Personally, I’ve gotten more out of reading blogs as blogs tend to document more than just the process of getting there. I know a few blogs stop after the child arrives, but most continue and teach a lot about parenting. Foster blogs have changed my view of foster care and on adoption in general. I guess my issue is that I no longer really see it as a way of having a kid, but a way to become a parent. That doesn’t make much sense on its face but the child you adopt isn’t like a puppy who becomes yours. wholly disconnected from their first family. They still have their first family and their first family will always be important to them and part of their identity. Despite any negative feelings about any abuse or neglect or anything, you can’t say anything too negative about them without hurting the child’s sense of self and identity.
I understand that even your natural born child is never really yours, that is it merely “a product of life’s longing for itself,” but part of why I want a child is to give my extended family a child, a new member, a continuation of the last name. I feel that adopting a child and changing their identity to match ours isn’t right. But I may just be over thinking it, or just being selfish. Oddly, my feelings aren’t just about genes, I wouldn’t see any familial/identity differences between a child I carried and one Latte did.
I understand that I’ve written on this subject before, I’m mostly writing this just to wrap my head around what my feelings are and why. I’m an odd introvert that seems to like to “talk things out” mostly to myself on the internet. 🙂
PS – Apparently our appointment is now 7 pm tomorrow. Latte moved it. She’s so cute when she’s impatient.
Does anyone have any advice for me? This (good shrink/talking about future kid/etc) all is uncharted territory for me.