Two choices

Thanks for all your feedback yesterday. It was very helpful. I ended up being able to give Latte an answer I felt like was best: domestic infant adoption through a private agency can be ethical, but sometimes isn’t, and therefore should be a last resort. Right now, for Latte, her preference is: foster-adopt and then me carrying. We talked a bit about what adopting out of foster care would look like, and I emphasized that if we want a child who is already legally free for adoption and will be capable of living independently as an adult, we’re looking at an older kid.

I was able to figure out that I don’t feel confident in my parenting abilities to take on an older child (since one from the foster system would have complicated emotional needs based on their traumatic past which landed them in care to begin with). Right now I think that a younger child who has simple needs would be better (at least for me) to start with. I think we need to both think about things (we’re both people who like to think a lot about these sorts of decisions). I think we’re going to end up going with the second option (me carrying) and revisit adopting out of foster care in a decade or so, when we’d already be parents and have a better grasp on what we can deal with and then probably get an older kid. That was actually an idea Latte floated, but I think we’re both going to wait to commit until we’re fully sure.

This probably seems weird. Let’s just say, there was a decision made in our relationship that neither of us was happy with that ended up working out well for me, but poorly for Latte. She has said that she felt pressured by me into it (although I also felt pressured into it, but it turned out alright for me). Because of this I’m always willing to wait until she’s 100% on board with anything major and go out of my way to not say anything that can be seen as pressuring. We have very similar priorities and values, so this system just means I end up waiting around a bit for her to come to same conclusion I did.

I still feel a bit guilty about wanting to carry. To create a whole new person from my genes (with help and DNA from a donor). There are a lot of children who need a home, who are certainly worthy of a forever family, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to serve them yet. I feel like I need to get things done first. I don’t feel like I will be a natural parent, I feel like it will be a learning process for me, and I’d rather experiment on someone who will retain no memory of all my early mistakes than on a kid who needs stability and understanding.


About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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4 Responses to Two choices

  1. butchjax says:

    You know, your methods may be slower, but they are healthier and will result in a better relationship. 🙂
    Since you have all that time, you can spend more time reading and resesarching. Personally, we’re going for older kids, especially gay kids. There’s a huge need for understanding parents. And while yes, they have more years of trauma, they also finally have a brain to start unwrapping all that trauma and dealing with it. Little kids don’t have that ability. But those are both generalizations. I have experience mentoring teenagers and young adults, so I feel more comfortable with the double digit kids myself. However there is need for every age group. I have friends in Arkansas who work with the littler ones. So far they’ve had 5. Once a group of 3, another a group of 2, all under 4. There are different challenges and joys with that group. I’m sure whatever you decide on will be fine because you’ll really put thought into this.

    As for guilt, please let go of that as soon as you can. The world may be filled with need, but if you can’t provide that need, the best you can do is bring humans into the world who will help the world improve. 🙂 Besides, if you aren’t meant to have a kid, you wont’ have one. It’s not like you can try every day or anything.

  2. Lindsay says:

    You may surprise yourself and be a natural parent. I don’t think wanting to procreate is anything that you should make you feel guilty. It’s a biological urge, and it’s totally natural!

    • DeCaf says:

      I’ve been around children enough (teacher’s aid, baby sitting, much younger cousins, etc) to know that I’m not a natural around them. Not that I can’t be good, just I need to figure it out first. 🙂

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