Irregular, AKA, if you could not show up early, shark-week, that’d be great

So, I started spotting a little yesterday. Not much, and only after #2. This morning is 9dpo (for those of you who are on the same cycle as me but currently trying, I hope you just don’t get your periods!). I’m really hoping my period doesn’t come before next Monday. I’m still hoping on a September cycle, which is doable if my cycle stays close to the same length it’s been lately. Basically my 90 day is on the 23rd. Right now, FF is predicting I’m going to ovulate sometime after the 24th. 

If it changes because of an early period, I’m going to postpone trying until October (I really don’t want to have a performance review during a TWW). I really hope I don’t have to. I’m kind of tired of sitting cycles out, but I want to feel more secure when I start trying again than I was last time.

I’m pretty sure last time might have worked except I collapsed into a ball of stress that was terrified I was pregnant. I felt horrible about being let go on day 8 of the TWW, right before implantation might happen.

I didn’t talk about all of this at the time, but it was kind of hell. I had a dream that I tested and it came back positive. I woke up at 3 am terrified, cried and couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I had wanted it so bad, but I want to be gainfully employed even more. I felt like crap and like I had to pick between the two, and if that is required, I would choose to forgo pregnancy. I know many of you feel the opposite, and will be great moms, so I felt guilty about that. My poor wife thought for sure I was pregnant, because she had never seen me cry so much before.

But I thankfully wasn’t pregnant. When it happens, it will be on my own terms. It will be better. If my uterus cooperates, otherwise I can roll with that. 

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About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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18 Responses to Irregular, AKA, if you could not show up early, shark-week, that’d be great

  1. julieann081 says:

    Never apologize for your feelings or choices. You are entitled to them and we love you for doing what’s right for YOU! Hugs! ❤

    • DeCaf says:

      I know, just I hear about people emptying their bank accounts/making major lifestyle changes/etc to get a kid, and I’m like “if it can happen without too much effort/money, cool, if not…). But you’re right. I’m doing what’s right for me and my family, and other people are doing what’s right for them. I need to learn to be less competitive.

  2. B says:

    This journey is so crazy and all of your feelings are totally normal. It’s normal to feel bad/guilty because you’re like YEAH I WANT A BABY NOW but then your logical side kicks in and goes HOW AM I GOING TO RAISE IT WITHOUT MONEY. LOL Don’t worry, it will happen when the time is right, and if you are in a good place and feeling secure, then you will be more open and ready for baby to come to you. Good luck on your wait! We are waiting until the beginning of next year and it feels so. far. away!

    • DeCaf says:

      Yeah, I’m already feeling more secure at this job than I was at my last. For one, this boss isn’t a passive aggressive mute. 🙂
      I think if I were in my late 20s or just 30 I’d want to wait a year. But I’m already staring at 33, and my mom couldn’t have kids after she turned 35, and I don’t have a free source of unlimited fresh sperm, so with frozen I’d rather give myself extra time.

  3. mamaetmaman says:

    You have been under so much stress. We waited until our employment was super secure before starting because we knew that we wouldn’t be able to handle the stress of both. I know it sucks to sit out cycles while everyone else is actively working on it, but you know what’s best for your stress levels. Could the spotting be implantation bleeding? Fingers crossed it is. I hope that your uterus cooperates either way. Good luck! Keep us updated 🙂

  4. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings…they are real and they are yours. Only you and your wife know the right time for you. If there is anything I’ve learned through this whole journey is that it’s an emotional roller coaster and you’ll feel all over the place. Sometimes you want them, sometimes your like WTH AM I DOING. Sometimes you’re so ready, and sometimes you wanna curl under a bed and never try to have babies again! Go with your gut…that’s the only way…

  5. ❤ It's kinda crazy how something we want so much can also be so very terrifying if the timing is wrong. Pregnancy can be both a gift and a curse, depending on the circumstances, which is why it should always be a choice. I'm glad you made it through that time without turning something you wanted into something terrifying, and I hope you can now make it happen on your own terms.

    • DeCaf says:

      Yeah. When you’re in your teens, pregnancy is the worst thing ever, but by the time you’re in your mid-30s, even kids ask you whey you don’t have kids yet, lol.

  6. I’m in a similar boat right now. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed that I don’t have a full time job or any real savings before getting pregnant. I’m feeling irresponsible to say the least. I also will be taking a break if this doesn’t work and sorting all that out. I feel you darlin

    • DeCaf says:

      It’s not irresponsible. Your wife has a decent job from the sounds of everything I’ve heard. Part of why my work stuff is so stressful, is that I’m the regular paycheck in the family, my wife is still trying to get her art business off the ground.
      I hope this cycle works out for you so you don’t need to take a break. 🙂

  7. Molly says:

    I am right there with you. I would totally freak out if I’d been in your shoes. I’d pick job over baby, too. And you know how badly I want this. Take it from someone who’s sat out her fair share of cycles–it can be hard to sit on the sidelines, but it’s even harder to have to sit there questioning your motives when you’re in the trenches. You have to do whatever gives you the most peace. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.

  8. Such a lame spot to be in when you feel that way, but as everyone is telling you, they’re Your feelings and Your decisions and you’re the ones who live with them. Hopefully things come together smoothly so when the next time comes you’ll have an easier time making a decision you’re cool with, whatever it ends up being

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