So, I started spotting a little yesterday. Not much, and only after #2. This morning is 9dpo (for those of you who are on the same cycle as me but currently trying, I hope you just don’t get your periods!). I’m really hoping my period doesn’t come before next Monday. I’m still hoping on a September cycle, which is doable if my cycle stays close to the same length it’s been lately. Basically my 90 day is on the 23rd. Right now, FF is predicting I’m going to ovulate sometime after the 24th.
If it changes because of an early period, I’m going to postpone trying until October (I really don’t want to have a performance review during a TWW). I really hope I don’t have to. I’m kind of tired of sitting cycles out, but I want to feel more secure when I start trying again than I was last time.
I’m pretty sure last time might have worked except I collapsed into a ball of stress that was terrified I was pregnant. I felt horrible about being let go on day 8 of the TWW, right before implantation might happen.
I didn’t talk about all of this at the time, but it was kind of hell. I had a dream that I tested and it came back positive. I woke up at 3 am terrified, cried and couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I had wanted it so bad, but I want to be gainfully employed even more. I felt like crap and like I had to pick between the two, and if that is required, I would choose to forgo pregnancy. I know many of you feel the opposite, and will be great moms, so I felt guilty about that. My poor wife thought for sure I was pregnant, because she had never seen me cry so much before.
But I thankfully wasn’t pregnant. When it happens, it will be on my own terms. It will be better. If my uterus cooperates, otherwise I can roll with that.