I started my period at 1:55 pm. I just happened to be in the break area and looked right over at the clock when I felt it start.

At 5:45 AM I noticed my temperature was up. Not all the way, but enough that I told myself “if it’s still up tomorrow, maybe I should test again?” And I started my day and noticed the amount I was spotting was dwindling to nothing.  I started feeling hopeful about this cycle, maybe, somehow …

Then it came.

But now it is a new cycle. I just wish I could turn my brain off for the time between the last test I’m willing to take and when the next cycle begins.

I’m a bit of a type A, when I’m confronted with a problem my M.O. is to be stubborn and work at it until I’ve solved it. I tend to not know when to take a break or give it a rest, but that’s what made me succeed in grad school and makes me good at my job. This way of doing things isn’t productive for everything. It may even be counterproductive for reproductive matters, as the amount of stress it puts on me can’t really be helping anything.

My thought for this cycle is that I will try to be kinder to myself. To not judge myself about whether I’m being a hypochondriac or about how I may be guessing wrong, etc. I’ll just roll with the punches. If not this cycle, maybe the next one. It’s normal for it to take several cycles. (I’ve seen people conceive on the 6th or 7th try.) Fertility isn’t something you can work yourself into being an overachiever on, it’s not a skill and cannot be learned or developed through any effort. I should always try to keep that in mind.


About DeCaf

Just a code monkey.
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14 Responses to CD1

  1. Words well said love. Sorry your out this month but I’m glad you sound grounded. Take that with you into your next cycle.

  2. mamaetmaman says:

    I tend to have the same attitude as you when it comes to perseverance and persistence. It was great for school, but terrible for some aspects of TTC. Sorry this round didn’t work. Hopefully you get some luck soon. In the meantime, I’ll join you in trying to roll with it (easier said than done).

  3. The LadyKing says:

    When we set goals for ourselves, it’s necessary to meet tiny achievements along the way to keep us engaged, optimistic, etc. With conceiving, it’s such an all or nothing prospect, that you’re flung from one end of the spectrum to the other. I always wanted to be hopeful and present for each cycle because I couldn’t shake the guilt I’d feel if I had no faith and it ended up being the early days of her pregnancy. I don’t know why I did this to myself. It wouldn’t have mattered. But I couldn’t convince myself to feel otherwise. Which meant, as you know, inevitably a negative would come and I’d come crashing down to reality. And because I kept that hope alive even after the negative tests because ‘you’re not out until you’re out’, I’d have to mourn the cycle and let hope spring anew basically at the very same time. It was exhausting and confusing and so draining.

    I had to learn to be gentle with myself and my feelings about it because this process has no tiny achievements along the way. You’re either pregnant or you’re not. There’s no half pregnant. (Not that I’ve found anyway.) And that drove me absolutely crazy. I needed the encouragement. The sparkle of hope. It’s a lesson in self cheerleading and I wasn’t very good at it. Hoping you see that positive test soon.

    • DeCaf says:

      Well and there’s not much constructive to actually do. I mean, I suppose I could pester my doctor for Clomid or something, but I’m not sure he’d give it to me, or that it wouldn’t cause more problems by thinning my uterus’ lining.

  4. Man it sucks to be type A and trying to get pregnant. Great thoughts to keep in mind. I’m really sorry this wasn’t the one 😦

  5. I think allowing yourself to feel what you feel and do what you need to do instead of struggling against your nature is the least stressful, even though it is also intrinsic in creating stress. I’m super type A, too, and not having ANY real control over this process has been frustrating, to say the least. It also doesn’t help that each failed cycle feels like a personal failure.
    I’m sorry it didn’t work this time, but I am glad it is definitively over so you can mourn and move on. ❤

  6. I agree with the LadyKing…TTC is either yes or no..I’m a realist and i know that you have a 50/50 chance of this time being “it”. Every time we had an IUI and every time it ended in a BFN, i picked myself up while simultaneously grabbing Callie by the shirt and bringing her along with me. It’s tough, but you have a great outlook. Be kinder and gentler to yourself because you’re doing everything that you can. The reality is, that you either will or wont be pregnant at the end of the TWW. You’re on the right path to acceptance. Hopefully, you’ll be accepting (and rejoicing) a BFP at the end of the next cycle (and let us join in with you!)

    • DeCaf says:

      Oh, you guys will definitely be in the know. Beyond just not wanting family members hearing about my cervical mucus, I want to be able to break the news here before I’m ready for it to hit the real world.

  7. theartist says:

    I’m sorry this cycle didn’t work out for you. Kinder is definitely a good approach, I’ll be rooting for you over here.

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